ITU CHAUDHURI DESIGN/CATCH NEWS
Have you ever undergone gastric discomfort? Isn't it one of the most uncomfortable feelings known to humankind?
It certainly ruins your day, and in some cases, that of your neighbour at work too (gross, but true!).
But what if the problem is so chronic that it leaves you sullen for life and prone to (verbal) diarrhoea?
Don't fear... yoga is here to help you out! The 'pavanamukta asana' or wind-relieving pose, while difficult to perfect, can give you instant comfort. Don't believe it? Just search for it on YouTube... you will find millions of relieved people willing to testify in favour of its benefits.
On International Yoga Day, here are 10 Indians who are in serious need of help in this department.
Our sincere request to India's star yogi, Baba Ramdev, is to help out these celebrities as soon as he can find time from helping the disadvantaged, like those who don't have male children. It would be a great service - to the people of India and to yoga itself.
It's ironic to find a 'defence' minister who's always on the attack. Manohar Parrikar has threatened that India would combat terrorism with its own terrorists. He has accused former prime ministers of compromising India's 'deep assets'. As chief minister of Goa, he had said an industrialist needs to face 16 inspectors while a rape victim has to face just one.
The following is not a racial stereotype: Goans are happy people. All of us who have been to Goa will vouch for it. Even Parrikar, the scooter-riding former CM, seems a happy-go-lucky kind of chap.
So we'll take the easy way out and attribute this dramatic change in his personality to Delhi's polluted air and water. Maybe the pavanamukta asana can help him expel some of those pollutants.
We love the frank, honest, off-the-cuff remarks of Mamata Didi. She's so Bohemian, isn't she? She paints, she makes music and she's never the prim and proper (and bland) politician like so many others.
But stuff that is not bland is not for everyone's consumption, and Didi's image seems to suffer as a result.
She throws papers in the Lok Sabha speaker's face. She blames victims for rape. She rushes to defend the 'bachcha mei' (little girls) of Kolkata who cause physical harm to cops because their uncle is the mayor.
Didi, try pavanamukta asana. Or rather, force your detractors to do so. They'll understand how misunderstood you actually are.
He seems to have abandoned the path of yoga despite his title, since his discomfiture seems even more acute than the people above.
Adityanath probably hasn't be able to digest the fact that there's always a microphone near him! An ascetic like him probably wants solitude and peace in his life of prayer, which has been denied to him since his party came to power.
Be it on ghar wapsi or the opposition to yoga, Adityanath is angry and always eager to... errr... blow off some steam!
Mani Shankar Aiyar
Mani's flatulence is inexplicable. He looks active and healthy, and his British fixation probably ensures he eats healthy too.
Maybe he drinks too much tea (and other golden liquids). He seems to be an expert on chaiwallahs, after all.
We know he'll probably fly off the handle if we request him to do something as undignified and uncouth as a yoga-asana that causes people to pass gas.
But we won't. Because experts who we spoke to have confessed that even something as strong as a pavanamukta asana cannot get rid of Mani's toxic fumes.
Remember Tulsi Virani? In the eight years that Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi was on air, every character's sole purpose in life seemed to be to somehow throw a spanner into Tulsi's life.
It seems Smriti Irani, who played Tulsi, couldn't escape the despondency and the angst that her character felt.
But now, when she's a Rajya Sabha member, and the Union minister for HRD, she is channelising that angst well.
Her statements are always full of spice, especially when she is directly taking on Rahul Gandhi in his bastion of Amethi, and as we all know, spice causes... gas.
The man who was once a king and the ruler of India's biggest state came north to Delhi, and promptly got a severe case of Delhi Belly that is still causing discomfort - to him and his party.
Maybe that's why Diggi Raja often finds himself deserted, with party spokespersons calling his views 'personal, not the party line'.
Whenever he opens his mouth - and he opens it a lot - there's a 75% chance that it'll be something outlandish. His genius ideas including accusing the RSS of training bomb makers, linking Narendra Modi to the Bodh Gaya blasts, criticising the judiciary for calling the CBI a 'caged parrot' and even calling Meenakshi Natarajan, his own party's MP, a 'sau tunch maal'.
He does need some relief, or else fresh ideas like defending arrested AAP minister Jitendra Singh Tomar (of fake law degree infamy) will keep popping into his head.
Lalu Prasad Yadav
How can any list be complete without Laluji? He is a master politician, master orator, master comic... the list is endless! And his position on this list, while not a consequence of many recent events, is honorary, given his track record.
For the last 20 years, he has been suffering from indigestion. No matter how much roughage the dietician advises you to eat, bovine fodder is never good for human health.
Now that he is disqualified from contesting elections actively, Laluji perhaps has a lot of time on his hands. Yoga is the answer, for killing time as well as his own well-being.
Ah! The human hot-air balloon.
Between 9 pm and however long the News 'Hour' lasts, India stands still to listen to Arnab. A TV set? Who needs that? Arnab's bluster can probably be heard without any modern implements like a microphone or a satellite dish.
He confessed recently that he is a die-hard Amitabh Bachchan fan, but while the actor has evolved, Arnab is still unable to get over his 'angry young man' persona.
We can only imagine how much internal discomfort it takes for his screams to drown out those of his equally-afflicted panelists.
Arnab, you have made 9 pm television as 'can't-miss' as Bachchan's initial Kaun Banega Crorepati run.
But please, the country demands, just try the pavanamukta asana once. After all, our eardrums too need a break from time to time.
If Arnab is the superhero hell-bent on straightening out politicians, the PhD in economics from Harvard is his archenemy: the Joker (not literally!) to Arnab's Batman.
Seeing them go head-to-head is a wrestling fan's delight, but even away from Arnab's windows, Swamy's flatulence surfaces from time to time.
To hear him talk or write about Hindutva and nationalism, one can't help but think just how much a brilliant mind can suffer because of rumblings in the interior.
And just imagine... Arnab and Swamy performing the pavanamukta asana together... yin and yang forming the perfect circle of balance.
And finally... Baba Ramdev!
It could just be that in dedication his life for the cause of humanity at large, Ramdev has neglected his own body, which is causing him physical and mental discomfort.
It manifests itself into foot-in-mouth comments, such as when he called Rahul Gandhi's visits to Dalit homes a 'honeymoon or picnic', or actions, such as the infamous escape from Ramlila Ground in a woman's salwar-kameez.
Our humble request to Baba is this: the next time you take the stage, don't just teach the pavanamukta asana, perform it well yourself. Humanity needs you for the benefits you bring - through yoga, medication and laughter.