Let me start with a confession. I was not interested in the JNU controversy until BJP MLA Gyan Dev Ahuja from Rajasthan decided to spice it up with certain revelations of epic proportions.
He said that 3,000 used condoms, 10,000 cigarette butts, 2,000 alcohol bottles, 50,000 pieces of bones, 500 used abortion injections, 2,000 wrappers of snacks are found in JNU everyday.
His forensic investigation is based on information he gathered from authentic sources like social media and television channels.
I perfectly understand his concern. This is blasphemous for our national integrity. But before I explain why, let me admit that sex, drugs, rock and roll culture finds deep resonance to a person like me.
The reason - I studied in a university, the address of which was, ironically - 1, Reformatory Street.
I was surrounded by the allegedly haunted National Library, a 150 year old jail, a ladies mental asylum, zoo and a nondescript Christian cemetery.
Being a rock-star out there was unimaginable and the only option to have fun- sadly, was attending classes and scribbling abuses on the desk during boring lectures.
The worst were the cultural programmes. I never saw naked young men and women dancing, but some losers playing tabla and harmonium.
But today I feel sad. I wish I had studied in JNU. Not for my interest in studies, but of course of the fact that I drink, I smoke, I like to have namkeen with my drink, and who wouldn't like to see naked girls and boys dancing during cultural programmes.
Coming back to the point, his investigation has deeper ramifications. And I try to list out a few;
pieces of bones
So, according to my own investigation (inspired from this MLA), JNU consumes approximately 450 chickens daily, unless a few even end up chewing the entire bone, like me.
Let us consider who are the most anti-national in JNU. Clearly, it is the students and the faculty going by recent diatribes against them. Their cumulative strength is 8,000.
I also found that 50,000 bones can mean 200 cows as well. So you never know- they might be consuming cow meat as well. Or even poaching Nilgai, which is found all over the campus.
On further crunching of numbers, I find that nearly 5,400 pegs (60 ml) are consumed in JNU daily. Or it can be said 1/3rd (students + faculty) are having one large peg daily.
If we consider Rs 10 as the average cost per cigarette then Rs 1 lakh is being spent every day on cigarettes.
And spending Rs 1 lakh on cigarettes daily clearly shows that Smriti Irani is right. If students are given more money for research, it may be diverted into buying cigarettes and alcohol.
Now the total number of students is 7,360, which means about 40% are daily using condoms (hopefully only for having sex).
One can surely understand from this analysis that JNU folks drink, smoke, organise fancy cultural festivals, and make love, with little time for nationalistic activities. In short, they have fun.
Exactly the kind of fun Mr Ahuja had in a hotel in Varanasi during Lohri festival a few days back. He just wanted to loosen up from his daily drudgery.
But this is why I love JNU. Make love, not war -that should be the order of the day during such trying times.
Edited by Aditya Menon
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